[This is part four of The Tech Battle for Your Teen’s Heart series. Be sure read parts one, two and three!]
Even with the parental control tools available to protect your kids online, it can still seem like a battle to get those tools in place. If these are in place from the time your teens start using technology, then it is much easier. However, it is more likely the case that they are already online and will be opposed to you adding any new boundaries to their use of the internet. This is tough, but there are ways to do it. The key is to find and create teachable moments.
Are Your Values the Same?
Part of teens growing up includes them separating from you as their parents to become unique individuals. Psychologists call this “separation and individuation.” Teachable moments are absolutely critical for this stage of life.
A lot of this process is healthy, but the road can be very rocky. When they are younger, it will work well to say, “in this house, we value… because…” Alternatively, to say, “in this family, we don’t appreciate… because…” The “because” is the most important part of those statements. When you say, “we value…” or, “we don’t appreciate…” you are answering their “what?” question. You are telling them the thing that you do or do not value. However, adding the “because” statement answers their “why?” question. When you tell your kids what you do or do not value, you are teaching them to behave like you. When you tell your kids why you hold those values you are teaching them to think and feel like you. For younger children and younger teens, those “because” statements are your teachable moments. It is critical that if they respond with more questions, that you answer them gently, so that they know it is safe for them to ask questions. This is different from when you have given instructions and they question you, so be careful not to get the two situations confused.
When they are older, you will need to question their values, rather than state yours. Remember that this process is about more than protecting them from pornography and other online dangers; it is about fighting for their heart. It is easy to get distracted by the dangers of technology because that is the primary place where teens express their values. But fighting for the place where values are expressed is much different from fighting for the place where values are formed. If you get overly angry when it becomes apparent that your teens hold different values than you do, they will either “yes, man” you, or oppose you at every turn. Those conversations will get you nowhere. What happens then is that all misbehavior or different values are hidden from you. However, if you question their values instead of attacking them, then you have the opportunity to create teachable moments.
How to Question Values in Teachable Moments
An easy way to question values is to question behavior that is inconsistent with values. Phrasing is important. Use the word “and” to combine their value statement with their value-inconsistent behavior. Do not use the word “but.” The reason is that using “but” makes it sound as if there is an exception, not an inconsistency. A simple way to put these together might be “on the one hand [value statement], and on the other hand [value-inconsistent behavior].” For example, “On the one hand you value respecting women because they are created in the image of God, and on the other hand you listen to music and watch TV shows that degrade women.” If that statement is at or near the beginning of a conversation, and you didn’t blindside or surprise your teen with bad timing, the following conversation will be full of teachable moments and opportunities for you to ask questions. These conversations will help you to guide behavior, and may help you to form values.
Another way to question values is to ask what behavior that value will result in, even if that result-behavior is not happening yet. Then question the inconsistency between a second value and the result-behavior from the first value. These teachable moments are harder, because they are more hypothetical, but these are the conversations that will allow you to form values.
Make Teachable Moments a Two Way Street
You are no more perfect than your teenagers are, hopefully just more mature. Allow their passion to motivate you as much as your wisdom guides them. If your eyes and ears are open, you can learn just as much as you teach. If you do this, and let your kids know that you’re doing it (or that you’re trying to), you’ll come up against much less resistance when it’s time for hard conversations. Even though I still recommend subscribing to the blogs or newsletters from Center for Parent and Youth Understanding, Digital Kids Initiative, and Plugged in Online, if you can create two-way teachable moments, your kids will do as much and more to keep you current on youth culture and potential technology dangers.
Where do those Parental Controls Come into Teachable Moments?
If you read the last article in this series on how to set up the parental control software that I recommended, then you will be getting a weekly or monthly report (depending on your settings) informing you of all of your teen’s online behavior. I hope that you are aware of your teen’s values from past teachable moments. I also hope that your teen has adopted most of your family values for themselves. If that is the case, you now have everything that you need to question behaviors that are inconsistent with their values. You also have everything you need to reinforce behaviors that are in line with their values, so make sure that you do that every time you have the opportunity to do so.
Discern, Don’t Demonize
There are certainly hard lines that must be drawn. However, whenever we demonize something, we deaden our radar to when that thing is happening or growing. If your teens start to hold values that are in conflict with yours and you attack their values, sadly, you will reduce your opportunities for teachable moments. If your teen ever learns discernment around an issue or behavior that you have demonized, those lessons are unlikely to come from you. I know that’s a scary thought, because it’s meant to be. Sadly, I don’t know that the Church in the Western world has done as well as it could in teaching discernment, and has more often demonized worldly things and ideas than taught discernment around them. Consequently, that means many Christian parents have done the same. I hope that this series of articles has equipped you to think differently about the dangers of technology that your teens face. I hope even more that I have equipped you to fight for your teen’s heart and to teach discernment around technology.
[Image via Andrew W. Rennie]
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