There are so many articles strewn around the blogosphere full of tips for people who minister – like worship leaders, teachers etc. So why not some tips for the congregation for a change. This is written in jest, so don’t take it too seriously!
So here we go …
7 Tips to Attend Church Fruitfully
1. Start preparing right from Saturday night – pick lots of fights with everyone at home, go out and have a rocking late/all-night party…and don’t forget to get drunk too. A hangover is your best aid to fruitful participation in the worship next morning at Church.
2. Do not reach the Church before at least 20 minutes into the service – God loves the fashionably late … He did say, ‘the last will be first’, didn’t He? Hobble into a front-row seat after stomping/tripping on as many feet as possible.
3. Don’t sing – scowl at the worship team as much as you can positioning yourself in a way to ensure they get a good look at you too while you’re at it … in case you still haven’t caught their attention by now.
4. Don’t take your Bible with you, else you might end up reading/reflecting the verses called out by the preacher and actually learn something to apply in your life … we can’t get into that sort of stuff, can we?
5. Make sure your mobile phone’s ringer is set to full volume; pray that you’re blessed with a phone-call in the middle of the teaching. If you’re prayer is answered, for maximum effect, let it ring as long as possible, then get up to answer the call, start talking loudly and move as slowly as possible towards the farthest exit. An alternative is to sit near the speakers – the noisy feedback will make the experience even more anointed for everyone.
6. A sermon is a great time to connect online. Flip open your mobile device and send the most important emails/updates on Twitter or Facebook – like how many beers you gulped the previous night, what you had for breakfast that morning and so on. The trick here is to set your keypad sounds on your device at full volume, so people around you can focus on the sermon while listening to the tone of every key you tap/type.
7. Don’t forget to meet with the worship leader and whoever gave the sermon to give them your invaluable feedback on how they can improve their lousy ministries. They’d love to hear from wonderful Churchgoers like you.
What other ‘best practices’ would you like to share?